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Author Topic: The InterMet News 8/23/08  (Read 27711 times)
West Antioch
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« on: August 23, 2008, 03:05:42 PM »

The InterMet
Saturday, 8/23/2008

Clean, Well-Spoken Minority Elected Consul

The senate has chosen a new Consul, as Senator Ivan Moldavi was supplanted this week by Gabriel Indarion. According to sources within the Senate, the change was inspired by the recent refusal of the Moldavi administration to seat several political opponents in the senate chamber. This led some to declare that Ivan “the Autocrat” was violating the spirit, if not the word, of the The Pact.

Despite firm denials of wrongdoing, Moldavi was forced to yield to the determined and broad opposition that followed. At the conclusion of the Eighteenth Tally, he was officially rejected in favor of Gabriel Indarion, the articulate and vaguely foreign-looking senator from Shasarazade. Indarion, a politician so popular that he garners votes in nearly every tally whether actively campaigning or not, has been hailed as a man who can lead the Meritocracy to glory. The new Consul was received by over 200,000 enthusiastic supporters at a rally outside the Senate Hall on Monday.

In the course of a twenty minute speech, the Consul outlined his plans for the Senate, which include “bringing change” and also “unifying for change.” With every brilliant turn of phrase and rhetorical flourish, the cheering throngs applauded wildly. Many waved miniature Meriterran flags, while others openly wept. Women of all ages cast their undergarments at the podium, and thousands encountered a previously little known condition which doctors have termed “exhilaration-induced vomiting.”

One attendee declared: “With Gabriel Indarion as Consul, I know I’ll be able to quit my job at We-B-Toys, and become independently wealthy and move out of my parents’ house, just like I always dreamed! Thanks in advance, Gabe!”

“This is the perfect chance to prove to myself and others that I’m not a racist! I love you, Gabe!” said another.

One woman was heard to exclaim: “Oh my god! I can walk! I‘ve been healed! Thank you, Consul!”

About two dozen listeners received medical attention after they collapsed and began speaking in tongues during a particularly rousing portion of the speech. According to one local woman who experienced such a fit: “HABBLE. HBB-BBABLELA-BHABUHBABLE. HBUBUBULL-GABAHABUG-BEALLAB-HBLE. GARBUBLAHBLE.” Several minutes later, she claimed to have been “filled with Gabriel’s spirit.”

“It was beautiful! There were rainbow kittens and gumdrop waterfalls everywhere!”

However, not everyone seems eager to rally around the new Consul, who is viewed with suspicion - and occasional outright hostility - by some. Many residents of rural Meriterra, such as Jim Bumpkin, owner of “Big Jim‘s Firearms and Chewing Tobacco Emporium” have been vocal in their criticism of the Senate‘s choice. “I don’t care too much for that feller. What with them sorta slanty eyes, and crazy hairdo done up like a woman. Looks like a chinee, ‘cept I don‘t know what sorta name In-dar-e-own is supposed to be. If‘n he ain‘t gonna be straight with us about that, what else is he hidin‘?”  *whispers* “I even hear he‘s secretly a Taoist.”




Senator Crassus No Longer Dead, Demands “Brains”

Weeks ago, Meritocrats thought they’d offered their final farewells to friend and colleague Crassus, long-time senator from Objectivist Chimps. They were wrong. Senator Crassus managed to cast a vote in the consular elections last week, despite having been recently killed.

According to Senate pages, a disheveled and partially decomposed Crassus stumbled into the Senate atrium last week, demanding “brains.” Brad Helot was fetching coffee for an unnamed senator when he spotted the recently revived Crassus. “He suit was covered in dirt, which is odd, because he‘s usually such a fastidious man. Also, he seemed rather pale and disoriented. And about a third of his skull was missing. I asked him if I could help him with anything, and he just said ‘braaaaaaains’. Then he acted like he was going to bite me. What a character!”

Speculation has been rampant regarding the Senator’s seemingly miraculous return from the grave. One popular theory suggests that Crassus was merely “swooning,” and didn’t really die at all. But Senator Mantis Van Sweringen, who attended his associate’s funeral earlier this month, says he‘s quite confident Senator Crassus was, at one time, deceased. “No, he was dead alright. The stain is still on the wall over there, see?” *motions toward a large pink smear on a nearby slab of marble* “I even saw his ghost wandering around the halls a few times - scowling, muttering angrily to himself. Just like always. Except, y‘know, translucent.”

Tuesday, Crassus’s spokesperson urged the public to “move on” from the issue. “We ask everyone to respect the privacy of the Senator and his family during this difficult time,” adding that the issue was “sensitive” and “a personal matter” to be treated with discretion. Senator Crassus himself is similarly mum about the matter, responding to such questions with only groans and repeated calls for “brains.”

Newly minted Praetor Maximus Punk II describes himself as being “entirely befuddled.”

“I won’t even attempt to explain it. He was dead, and now he seems to be considerably less so. It‘s nice to have him back, I suppose, even with all the moaning and ‘brains’ nonsense. And the smell of rotting flesh.” When asked about the rumor that several senate pages have been physically attacked by Crassus since his return - one of whom was hospitalized with severe bite wounds - Senator Punk replied: “Eh. I‘m sure they‘ll be fine.”



A new issue of the the InterMet will be published every Saturday. Submissions/suggestions/criticisms can be sent to TheInterMet@gmail.com. A banner for the top of the page might be nice. Something Roman-themed, maybe. I'm open minded, so whatever. Also, I could use a couple of writers.
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